Therapy for a Bad Dream (Hallucinations, Fantasies or Realities)

Posted on November 30, 2011 by chavatzeles

A girl who had gone through horrendous abuse by her grandfather was blocking her own therapy with a protest.  “I was just dreaming it happened…it never really happened.”  She decided that she’d rather be tagged Schizophrenic rather than deal with the reality.  She kept telling me how she couldn’t go to therapy, because she suspects that maybe she just hallucinated the whole abuse.

 My advice:  whether or not you hallucinated the abuse, that is now a reality.  Even if you dreamed that you were abused, you are suffering the after effects and are now a survivor.  So go through the therapy as a survivor.

 It made a dent, the fact that she was going for therapy.  But now she wanted to know, was she normal for having this reaction, of wanting to believe the abuse had been a dream and not a reality.

 I explained to her a very important concept.  As abuse is happening to a person, there are a few ways a person can deal with the pain.  Some people fight back.  Some however, are so horrified by the extent of the violation, that the only way the brain can handle it is if it, so to speak, disattaches the consciousness of the person.  The person is awake, but not really.  So, yes, the attack then feels like it happened in a dream, for only the subconscious is taking in the horrific details.

 I knew the abuse to this girl had been very real.  Little four year old kids don’t “dream” up the gory details of that attack.  For her, however, it felt like it had been a dream, for all the memories were recorded in the place of the brain where dreams get recorded, those back parts that are not fully consciousness.

 She is getting better through therapy, but I wanted to share with you all, don’t discount your abuse, even if it is hazy as a dream.   Even if you think you “hallucinated” the whole deal, get yourself therapeutic treatment.

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Listen, you’ll hear Salachtee

Posted on August 31, 2011 by chavatzeles

It is Rosh Chodesh Elul, my friend.  Selichos is starting.  Selichos is the saying of the Yud-Gimmel Middos of the Ribbono Shel Olam, the Creator of the World.  You see, when the Jews messed up big time with the Golden Calf, it seemed they were going to be wiped out, the entire nation, and only one person, Moshe Rabeinu would stay alive.  But Moshe did not want that.  He was a leader who cared about those who he led.  So he begged and he pleaded and he asked G-d for another chance for our people.  And G-d said yes.

Now, don’t be mistaken in believing that forgiveness just wiped out that terrible sin.  No, there had to be punishment for those who actually did it — and so the tribe of Levi got to work, killing out those who bowed and worshipped the idol.  Those left alive were the millions who didn’t bow down to the idol.

Wait, that sounds messed up.  Just a moment ago, I said that Hashem wanted to wipe out our entire nation because we sinned with the Golden Calf.  Then, a paragraph later, I say that millions of Jews were not killed because they had nothing to do with the sin.  So which was it — did our entire nation do the sin or did they not?  Were only a few of our people stupid and bad enough to sin so badly?  Yes!  The majority did not sin — so why does the Torah and G-d consider as if our entire nation sinned?  Ah…because the majority were the silent majority.  The evil-doers were a minority, only some of the people.  And the rest of the people just kept quiet and stayed home.  They didn’t want to get involved.  But they didn’t want to stop it either.  They thought that they couldn’t stop the evil, and because they didn’t try to stop evil, our entire nation almost got itself wiped out.

Evil must be stopped.  Molestation within our nation must come to an end.  This year.  This month.  This moment.

If we don’t stop evil, we are considered having done it ourselves.

When Moshe finished killing out the evil-doers, Hashem tells Moshe the secret of the Yud Gimmel Middos, that when tragedy and disasters face our people, we can work on our Middos and try to imitate Hashem’s middos.  Those middos are the ones we recite now during Selichos as we remember to work on ourselves and become better people.

My friends, this Elul, may we merit to take on the evil doers in our midst.  None of us should stand by quietly when there is horrors happening among us.  If we stop the silence and get to work cleaning up the bad, when we do that, I am quite sure we will soon hear a Bas Kol say, “Salachtee.”

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Staving off Suicide

Posted on July 22, 2011 by chavatzeles

Get back off that ledge.  Put down those pills.  Suicide solves nothing.  Ends nothing.  If you think the hell you are going through is bad, don’t even go there to suicidal attempts because the soul endures even worse pain after a suicide.

 Let me tell you the Jewish take on suicide.  G-d put your soul down here for a purpose.  If you terminate that life G-d gave you by committing suicide, your soul is not welcome back upstairs in Heavens.  The soul of the person who commits suicide is forced to wander with no place to be, no where to go, no ability to even go to hell!!!

 So, let’s talk about not committing suicide.  Yes, you are in pain.  But death doesn’t end that pain.  You see the pain you are feeling is not a body pain, it is a soul pain.  And since the soul outlives the body, the pain doesn’t stop because you end the body’s life.  The pain continues on past death.  Suicide is not a solution, then, no matter what.

 There is a famous song that has a refrain that you should memorize.  The lines important for you to memorize is:  “I will survive.  I’ve got all my life to live, all my love to give, and I’ll survive.”

 Decide that you have what to do in life, because you do.  Don’t try to outrun pain by ending life, for the pain runs right after you.  Stand up and face pain so you can stare it down and say, “I’ve got all my life to live.”

 After all, you have what to give in life.  You are not the abuser.  You are the caring, wonderful person who was hurt.  And you can get past that hurt to help others.  You can set up a wonderful family that is loving and wonderful.  There is nothing you can’t do, once you decide you do want to live.  Okay, and so what if you tried that and it didn’t work.  Get up and try again.  “If at first you don’t succeed…”  As long as there is life, there is hope things can get better, that the next time we try we build a life we will love, free of survivor’s guilt, one in which we learn to be happy.

 It can happen.  Make it happen. 

 You might want to check out this site for more info on abuse and after effects: http://www.prevent-abuse-now.com/stats.htm#Impact

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Post-Traumatic Growth — Hardships Create Healthier/Stronger Characters

Posted on July 20, 2011 by chavatzeles

A philosopher named Nietzsche wrote, “What doesn’t kill me, makes me stronger.”  Experiences that are traumatic, if they don’t succeed in killing us off, can actually make us stronger.  Steel is tempered by being put through extreme heat.  Strong people, sometimes, are the result of hard times.

Science research at the current moment is finding that Nietzsche might have been right.  “There might be a curvilinear relation between levels of posttraumatic stress and positive change,” reports Joseph and Butler in a piece entitled Positive Changes Following Adversity (2010).

One of the often-cited cases where hardship made people stronger is the after-effect of September 11th and how people reassessed their lives and rebuilt it on different values after it happened.  Leibby Kletzky’s traumatic kidnapping might end up having the same positive aftermath, people reassessing and questioning their values and putting into motion changes that are for the better.

As for you, survivor of abuse, trauma is painful.  It feels like it is killing you off, at times.  But, if it hasn’t killed you off, it might have just made you into a stronger, more capable, more value-oriented person.  If not yet, then it will, if you deal with it head on. 

If  there is opportunity for growth from past trauma as research claims, then you too should claim that growth for yourself.  Go ahead and make the post-traumatic growth happen in your life.  Let past pain build you stronger.

 ————————-

 Joseph, S. & Butler, L.D. (2010). Positive Changes Following Adversity.  PTSD Research Quarterly. 21:3

 If you haven’t yet read this (unfortunately, I can’t give the author credit as it has made its rounds with Anonymous on the byline).  It definitely is based on something very Jewish — if you open the Yom Kippur Machzor you will find that we say, we are like lumps of clay in the Potter’s hands.  Here is the piece:

Once a couple strolled into a fine china storre and spotted the most exquisite, dainty, perfect teacup.  They asked the store clerk if they could see it up close, exclaiming,  “We’ve never seen a cup quite so beautiful.”

As they examined the teacup, they heard it speak to them.  “My friends, let me tell you my story.  I wasn’t always a teacup. There was a time when I was just a lump of red clay, oozing around with my fellow mud friends and family.  Then, one day, someone came along and scooped me up, away from my familiar, homey spot.  I cried out, but my cries were ignored.  Then, the potter  took me and rolled me, pounded and patted me over and over and I yelled, “Hey, that hurts.  Don’t do that. Stop.’ But my cries were ignored as the potter gently said, “Not yet!’” Next thing that I knew I was slapped onto  a spinning wheel where I was spun round and around and around. ‘Stop! I’m dizzy! I’m going to be sick.  Stop,”’ I screamed. But the only reply were the two words, “Not yet.’”

“While I was spinning, the work on me didn’t stop.  The potter kept forming me, working me, nudging me.  Then he put me in the  kiln.  Such a fire.  Such heat. I screamed for all I was worth, pleading, “Get me out of here! Stop.”  But the potter just repeated his line,  “Not yet.’”

“When I thought I couldn’t bear it another minute, the door opened. He carefully took me out and put me on the shelf, and I began to cool. Oh, that felt so good! Ah, much better, I thought. But, after being cooled, I was again picked up.  This time a paintbrush tickled me as paint was applied.  Ugh, that smell, and those fumes!  “Oh, please, Stop!’ I cried. The potter only shook his head and said. ‘Not yet!’”

“Then I was back in the oven, the paint and the varnish sinking into and sealing every pore.   I screamed. I cried. I was convinced I’d never survive. I was ready to give up. When I thought I couldn’t hold on one second longer, the over door was opened and out I was lifted.  This time I was placed on a rack to cool, and as I felt the cool air soothe my surface, I dreaded what might possibly come next.  However, it was over.  The potter brought me a mirror and told me to look at my own reflection.   As I looked at myself, I was awed.   “That’s not me, that can’t be me. It’s beautiful. I’m beautiful!”

Then the potter spoke up to me and said, “I know it hurt the process, the working out of you, the spinning, the baking, the painting, and I heard you screaming for me to leave you alone but…if I didn’t pound you as clay, you would have dried up.  If I didn’t spin you, you would have crumbled.  If Ididn’t bake you, you would crack.  If I hadn’t painted you, you would be blah.  Each step of pain, each step of the way, was leading to making you greater.  Now you are strong, long-lasting and a work of art.  Now you are perfect.”

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Not everyone is out to get you….

Posted on July 18, 2011 by chavatzeles

Along with Post Traumatic Stress often comes a certain social anxiety which has you jumping to conclusions that people are dissing you or that they are making fun of you.  Your own sense of being flawed makes you think that everyone else doesn’t respect you.  Your own sense of experiencing the unthinkable happening to you, the violation of your body, makes you expect attack, and see it everywhere.

 Now, we are not talking about where an insult is real.  We are talking about when things happen or someone says something, and you really can interpret it many ways.  You invite someone to go somewhere and they say, “nah”.  Many times, those with pain will jump to all sorts of negative interpretations.  My friend doesn’t like spending time with me, only with others.  Or other such thoughts. 

 However, those who have not been hurt usually do what is called benign interpretation.  They go, “oh, you don’t want to go?! Why not?”  They don’t take it personally and don’t jump to the conclusion that the no was a rejection of self.

 As part of the healing after abuse, you have to learn the art of benign interpretation.  Any time someone does or says something that you think is negative, try to re-examine it and see how it really is a harmless act or saying.

 Not everyone is out to get you.  And if you don’t want everyone to be out to get you, learn to not assume they mean your harm.  Rather, try to hear their words in a non-negative way…and ask them, “what do you mean by that?” when you are not sure.

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Trigger for Flashbacks Coming From Kletzky Tragedy

Posted on July 14, 2011 by chavatzeles

I hadn’t posted here for a while; but in light of the tragedy in Boro Park I had to log on today.  That is because I am talking to some folks who had been abused in the past and the past couple of days tragedy has triggered flashbacks and huge emotional pain for them. 

 Everyone is in pain over the brutal killing of the innocent little boy, Leibby Kletzky, a”h.  But those who went through past trauma are reliving their own trauma on top of the trauma of coping with this horrific event.

 I wish it were easy enough to give a pat answer on how to deal with it.  Anger and crying is good.  Even better, if you are really struggling right now, is to head into a few therapy sessions.  I’m a big fan of cognitive therapy, so see if you can find someone who specializes in this.  Mt. Sinai Hospital has a free therapy program for survivors of sexual abuse called SAVI.

 I am not a person who can see the hidden tapestry that makes up life.  Anyone who tells you they can is lying.  However, there are ways we can speculate that there is a good that could come to us all from the tragedy, that a death was not just a senseless killing.  For example, we know that a soul might choose to come down for a “gilgul” a reincarnation cycle in the physical world for various reasons.  Perhaps (and again, this is only speculation) just perhaps Yehuda ben Nachman was a special soul who saw that our generation needed to confront the evil in our midst.  Perhaps, just perhaps, this special soul took on a mission and said he volunteered to be born into this time and era and undergo this fate, just to raise awareness.  It could be. 

 Evil exists in the world.  You know it all too well.  But don’t forget that goodness exists too.  Don’t forget that G-d is giving you life, to make the world a better place and because G-d loves you.   You are alive and well, my friend, if you are reading this (though you might be in tremendous pain).  G-d thinks you can make a difference in the world.

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Kol Neshima — Every Breath I Take…

Posted on May 16, 2011 by chavatzeles

Breathe In, Breathe Out, Breathe Deeply

 One of the weird things that happen to us with stress is that we forget how to breathe properly.  Breathing ought to be long, deep draws of air that make your belly rise.  Many people who have undergone trauma breathe shallowly, with breath coming in shorter intervals and only heading to the chest area.  This is not healthy physically.

 So, my friend, we have to talk about breathing exercises.  Flat out now on the floor.  Bend your knees a bit.  Put one hand on your chest and one hand on your stomach.  Breathe in and see if your hand on your belly rises.  If it doesn’t, you are breathing wrong.  Relax.  Think of taking sweet long breaths.  See if you can breathe slow and deep enough to get your stomach to rise.  Steady now.  Breathe In.  Breathe Out.

 Here are some resources for your use:

 On breathing right:

 http://cas.umkc.edu/casww/brethexr.htm

 http://www.drweil.com/drw/u/ART00521/three-breathing-exercises.html

 http://www.dartmouth.edu/~acskills/docs/deep_breathing.doc

More on PTSD:

 http://helpguide.org/mental/post_traumatic_stress_disorder_symptoms_treatment.htm

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Cancer Link and Other Ailments Due to Abuse

Posted on May 11, 2011 by chavatzeles

Unfortunately, there has been evidence that there are correlations between sexual abuse and thyroid disorders, auto-immune diseases and cancer.  

 “Childhood traumatic stress increased the likelihood of hospitalization with a diagnosed autoimmune disease decades into adulthood. These findings are consistent with recent biological studies on the impact of early life stress on subsequent inflammatory responses.” (Dube, Fairweter, et al. in an article for Psychosomatic Journal)

 Let’s talk about fight and flight mode so you understand why it is and how to undo any physical harms from the past abuse. When in danger, the body speeds up some things to let the person either run or fight the danger.  To do that, the body releases chemicals that flood your body such as noradrenalin and ATP which are considered excitatory on the body.  It gets your adrenal glands working into overtime and slows down other parts of your body so that all energy goes into the survival organs.  To put it very simply: when you are faced with danger, you don’t have complex thoughts and easy digestion.  You have rather all efforts of your body pouring into parts of the body that can help you run or punch. Now, each time a person has the memory of a past abuse, the body goes back into fight/flight mode and the body gets flooded with stress hormones which weaken the body over time, putting PTSD sufferers at increased health risks.   

 Neuro-biologically PTSD would show up with an “over-arousal of brain areas involved in impulse control” and in “circuits within the amygdala (Etkin & Wager, 2007; Kolassa & Elbert, 2007; Maren, 2007 as cited by Myers, p. 616).  In PTSD patients, it had been noted that there is “hypoactivation of the dorsal and rostral anterior cingulate cortex and medial prefrontal cortex” (Porto et. al 209,  p. 122).  Kilpatrick, Amstadter, Resnick and Ruggiero (2007) outlined two neuroimaging studies that found PTSD is also “associated with small hippocampal volume”.  Hull (2002) in a systematic review of neuroimaging findings noted that a study (Canive et al, 1997) found white matter lesions associated with PTSD patients (p. 103).  Furthermore, Hull reported that functional imaging in replicated studies showed that PTSD patients have some form of “deactivation” of the Broca area, a part of the brain that allows us to communicate our personal experiences and “lower benzodiazephine receptor binding in the prefrontal cortex” which impacts recall and verbal memories.  Again, to put it simply, it is obvious from brain scans that there is damage to the brain from sexual abuse!

 What has to be done is that you, the victim, must find ways to retrain your brain and rebuild parts that went missing during the constant stress.  You must find a way to stop the body from re-releasing stress hormones again and again.  Relaxation exercises are very important.  Pilates would be great.  Any mind-body exercises are important to undoing damage. 

Much thanks to a psych student who would like to stay anonymous who did a course project on this subject and shared his resources with me.

  Dube SR, Fairweather D, Pearson WS, Felitti VJ, Anda RF, Croft JB. (2009). Cumulative childhood stress and autoimmune diseases in adults. Psychosomatic medicine.  Feb;71(2):243-50. Epub 2009 Feb 2. also available online through the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.

 Hull, AM. (2002). Neuroimaging findings in post-traumatic stress disorder: Systematic review. British Journal of Psychiatry. 101, 102-110.

 Kilpatrick, Amstadter, Resnick and Ruggiero (2007). Rape-Related PTSD: Issues and Interventions. Psychiatric Times. 24, 7.

 Myers, D.G. (2010). Psychology. New York. Worth Publishers.

 Porto, P.; Oliveira, L., Mari, J., Volchan, E., Figueira, I. & Ventura, P. (2009). Does Cognitive Behavioral Therapy Change the Brain?  A Systematic Review of the Neuroimaging in Anxiety Disorders. The Journal of Neuropsychiatry and Clinical Neurosciences. 21:114-125.

 

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Disassociation — Hey, There, Focus!

Posted on May 10, 2011 by chavatzeles

Let’s talk about a common symptom that many survivors tell me they share.  It is called disassociation.

 Spacey is how some people describe it.  Daydreaming might be what folks suspect a child is doing.  And often you might think you are having a mild amnesia episode or early onset Alzheimer’s.  Its when you lose track of time, place or what’s going on around you and your mind goes far, far away to never-never land and you miss the here and now.  Hey, you, I’m talking to you.  Focus.  Pay attention.  Stay with me in the here and now.

 Many times, what is tragic is that a child who has been abused will be very, very spacey and then end up with a diagnosis of ADHD or something else like that, when all that is going on is the disassociation factor.

 Let’s understand why it happens so we know what we are dealing with.  A mind is a powerful thing.  It knows, during the abuse, that what is happening is wrong and painful.  The mind doesn’t want to deal with that pain or with that reality.  It, therefore, as a coping/survival mechanism comes up with ways to block out that reality. 

 Your neural network learns new things – new pathways to block certain thoughts, such as thoughts of the abuse.  It does this by letting your mind wander far away from the here and now. 

 One woman told me she ended up on trains far from her home with no recollection of how she got there.  Another one would get lost in thought and jump five miles into the air when someone called her name nearby.  Others will always be thinking of tomorrow and tomorrow, but never focus on today.  I just helped someone now who is dealing with his issues.  I did an observation of him at work.  He looked like a robot, going through the motions of work, but his eyes were kinda drifted into yonder space and he wasn’t very focused (which almost made him lose his job). 

 If you find yourself spacey, forgetting things, wandering off, not able to focus on tasks and on the present, you are not insane.  Your mind is perfectly normal and did a healthy thing for you in devising ways to cope with the abuse by putting space between your awareness and the abuse.  However, to continue with that coping mechanism is not healthy as you are not living life focused and in the here and now.  That is why getting help to get focused is important.

 NIH has quite a slew of research studies that you can read up about sexual abuse and post traumatic stress.  Here is a link to one about disassociation: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1965500/

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Don’t Lose Sight of Your Inherent Value — And the Potential You Have

Posted on May 9, 2011 by chavatzeles

Esther was kidnapped from her home and taken to the palace of Achashvayrosh where she was forced to marry him.  She could have despaired and lost her identity, her ability to feel she still had a mission from G-d.  However, with her uncle Mordechai’s guidance, Esther realized she still was also part of G-d’s game plan.  She, therefore, did not feel less than any other member of the Jewish nation.  She was able to focus on keeping her sense of identity, of keeping her connection to G-d alive.  She was able to carry herself with pride and purpose. 

 Don’t ever let any attack take away your essence.  Your soul is not worth less because you were attacked.

 One question you can ask yourself is, how can I use this vast pain for the good – is there anything positive I can do with the resulting pain of the attack?  Can I help others heal because I get their pain, too?  Can I be a spokesperson for victims?  What positive actions can I do that are an outcome of a very negative situation?

 Your soul remains unblemished, still on mission, still with a role to play in this world.  What that is, my friend, I can’t tell you.  Because that is your work to try to figure out how you can make the world a better place.  And, yes, sometimes, you will be better at that job than anyone else, precisely because of your pain.

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